100. Let me put my poems in you

Hey baby

You like poems?

I got poems.

I got short poems, long poems

Thin poems, fat poems

Good poems, bad poems

Funny poems, sad poems.

You find a better poem somewhere else…

You read it.

But I got 100 sitting right here for you baby

Treat yourself

Take all you need.

And if 100 is not enough and you need more,

Well baby, I got more.

But I’m a little tired right now.

Let me get you in the morning

99. What kind of fruit?

What kind of fruit you on fam?

See I been smashing oranges since day I’m convinced they’re the meanest

Clementines preferably

I’m made a fine art of taking off the skins to look like a penis

Mango is sick! Don’t get it twisted

I just can’t be dealing with the choir it is to peel it

But if you can make me an mango that peels like an orange

Then you my friend are a genius

98. Farms

I used to buy a bad of seed to feed the ducks the sheep and geese

Run out then go buy more

I only just realise how stupid I was

But as kids we’re all a bit stupid I’m sure.

I was paying the farmer money to feed his cattle

Now that’s not the way it should be

The shoes on the wrong foot here mate

You should be paying me

97. Zombie walk

Once a year people used to dress up as zombies and walk through town centre

Which was a great bit of fun

Until the time a few real zombies turned up

And shit got incredibly real.

The poor stupid ignorant spectators didn’t run or fight

They just stood there giggling as the zombies tore through their flesh like it were a bowl of custard.

Now the zombies walk everyday

But there’s much fewer twats on the street

96. The man who’s shrew was his horse and his horse was his shrew

His shrew was his horse and his horse was his shrew

It was nothing to do with their size

He rode his shrew to work each day

And kept his horse caged up cage inside.

I know what you’re thinking

You want me to dip in and answer the questions that’s ‘why’

There’s simply no reason, you’ve only to see him

To know he’s a fairly strange guy

95. I spammed you with silly titles

Thanks for that mate, cheers.

Tell me something I don’t know?

Next time? Yeah? Nice one

94. Mummy grist

My god of twitter who watches over me

I never know when you’re looking

I’m sorry if you see some inappropriate things.

Bless us this day as I’ve sworn so often and so casually

I’d marry your daughter

But she reminds me too much of your son

Amen

93. Cloudy skies

‘Look it’s a emu

And that one’s a crocodile!’

‘Shut up. It’s a cloud’

92. Shower in the dead sea

Let me wash in death

The ocean that shares my fate

Is expecting me

91. Maybe

Maybe consuming vodka on my final 15 poems was a bad move

But maybe it wasn’t.

Who am I to answer such a question or make such a decision

Maybe writing 100 poems in one day was a bad move

But again, maybe it wasn’t.

Maybe…

You shit word you.

You weak group of letters playing piggy in the middle to yes and no

Being bullied by two words, both of which you’re bigger than.

Get some spine about yourself

You’ll probably reply

‘Maybe I will’ in a cocky tone.

No one knows where they stand with you.

That’s why no one likes you.

Dickhead.

90. Trombone players get all the girls

Trombone players, yeah?

It must be the vibrations.

Dick move picking rap

89. Someone else’s tooth brush

‘Some are green and blue, some are blue and green

We’ll have one each. I’ll take green and blue’

Turned out to be the stupidest statement I ever made

When I realised in fact, they weren’t blue and green and green and blue

But exactly the same.

I’m still using the ones I think are mine

Those on the left, the green and blue, I keep in the same place.

But sometimes I worry that they move and if it was me who left that spot of toothpaste.

Plus those other ones don’t look like they’ve been used yet

How could I be so useless

Next time I’ll get a variety of colours and won’t be so fucking stupid

In the future, get your own tooth brush’s

88. Dogs

She loved her dogs like people

And treated her people like dogs

She knew a lot of people

And all of them found her quite odd

It wasn’t the way she talked to them

Or the fact they had sunglasses for when it was hot

It was the way she breast fed them

And walked around without her top

87. Shit a brick

I wasn’t that scared

I just had a lot to eat.

Those scones were like rocks

86. Penetration (her fucking eye fell out)

‘You said fuck your face’

‘Ouch! Not there you idiot’

‘Sorry. Be clearer’

85. Back in the day

When we roamed different zones of the streets where we lived

When we were cocky little loitering bastards, good for nothing kids

Experiments with chemicals and running from the pigs

No matter what happens now, at least I lived

84. unattractive popularity

How popular are those who are popular?

I’m gonna say not very

Whenever you’re loved by a few

You’re knocked by many

So trying to make people like you

Is nothing but a waste of time

Considering if they don’t

You should consider yourself doing fine

83. Killing my darling

It’s just not worth it

Without me it’s just not life.

It’s a favour. welcome

82. The internet is evil

It makes me look at it when I don’t want to

Shows me things I don’t want to see

Tells me things I don’t want to know

Knowledgeable monster

81. Life is poetry

Life is poetry

If tackled in the right way

For

Example

80. The long awaited assassination of Jeremy Kyle

For every man women and child who has watched and cursed his name

I am proud to say, it’s been done

I caught him outside the studio the other day

Threw a lasso from horse back and galloped of f into the sun

I tied him up in my shed and said

‘Jeremy, you’re dying’

He squeeled ‘I don’t deserve to die’

I shouted in his face ‘STOP LYING!!

Look Jezz, I understand many people on your show are pretty shit,

But there’s no need for you to be such a self righteous prick

Do you really think you have a positive effect on these peoples lives?

You make a living off embarrassment in front of millions, how do you sleep at night?

So sorry Jezza, I’m afraid it’s gotta go this way

By next week, there’ll be another show just as immoral to take your place

79. Beverly Minster

I learnt to take my hat off when I walked through your doors

I used to visit you once a year

I learnt not to run around and shout around those praying people you held

When I was so small I needed lifting up to look in the ceiling mirror

I used to scribble my name in your visitors book

Buy key rings ornaments and bookmarks from your shop

Put pennies in your donation plates

And pounds in your honesty box

78. That’s what she said

‘I really want to see you I just don’t have any time’ she said

‘I miss you, but I’m just so busy’ she said

‘I got really drunk the other night’ she said

‘And now I’m pregnant’

77. The art of seeming respectable

It’s not so much an art as an ability to keep your mouth shut

None of us are respectable

Those who claim we are, are often less respectable than the rest of us

I could tell you I am

And as long as I manage to keep my mouth shut afterwards

You have no reason to believe different.

I could tell you I’m not and you may think I’m joking

Endearing isn’t it.

I am an artist.

Please don’t respect me

76. If I was a girl

I expect I’d spend a lot of time looking at myself

When the novelty wore off I expect I’d spend a lot of time looking at other women

I would take advantage of that girly charm many men fall victim to

Free drinks till I was in a bit of a state

I’d go to visit my friends baby mum who uses their kid as a weapon

And kick her in the vagina.

The mums that is.

75. The number 3

Not as great as 4

Greater than 2. It’s alright

Far as numbers go

74. Stop pretending art is hard

It only requires effort if you want it to be good

If you don’t care for quality, any twat can do it

You could make a sculpture in a minute

Paint a picture in a second

And write 100 poems in a day.

However, if you’re looking for quality

You probably shouldn’t

73. Blowjob on a table

I’ll take my blowjob

On the table please. Sit there

It’s for eating on

72. The pope’s alien friend told him to do it

‘I’m telling you pope, you can do this

You can stay loyal to the church

You can do all you do now

And express yourself through verse

You like hats?

What am I thinking, course you do

I’ll get you a mask

We’ll call you MF Doom'

71. I went to a place in France called nice. It was nice

I’d never been to nice but it was nice

The people were nice, the food was nice

Oh course I can’t speak French

But I just assume everyone was lovely and polite.

It was nice how all the drivers wave with their fists as they overtake me on the right

I met a lovely French chef who shouted compliments at me and waved with her knifes

So from what I gather

People in nice like to wave.

Which is nice

70. If silence had a beat

If silence had a beat I’d dance to it

Let people shout insults at me and dance to that too

If they beat me up I’d keep moving to the sounds of my battering

Then throw shapes to my heartbeat in the emergency room

69. The wandering stranger

We’d pass each other once a day

While travelling the opposite way

I don’t see him anymore

Now I take a different walk

I never even caught his name

68. Sweet. A bit crazy, but sweet

‘Sweet. A bit crazy, but sweet’ She said

After she asked if I wanted to know what she thought about me, and I said ‘no’.

But now she’s got me thinking, they always say I‘m ‘sweet’

Or ‘Cute’ or something equally shit I already know.

If you’re gonna tell me something about myself tell me something I don’t

Tell me why I can’t sleep at night and spend whole days writing poems

Tell me why it is that I’m a bit crazy I don’t give a shit what makes me sweet

Tell me why at some times I seem a little ocd.

Tell me anything about myself, or even better tell me about you

I’d like to hear that. And I don’t give a fuck why I’m cute.

67. I think his lung burst

‘What happened Pete’ said the headmaster ‘What were you and Chris doing’

‘Well sir’ said Pete ‘Not much, kicking some b ball outside the school and then

A couple of guys who were up to no good, kicked dog shit at chris

So I pushed the b ball down his throat, called him a jerk

And it was about that time that I think his lung burst’

‘You’re talking shit, absolute shit’ said the headmaster as he head butted Pete in the face

Pete fell on and swallowed an aerosol can which made his lung burst.

Then the headmaster slipped on a board marker and his lung burst.

Then a bird flew into the window and his lung burst.

Then Pete woke up from his terrible dream and his lung burst again.

Pete’s mum came to wake him up, shocked by his burst lung her lung burst.

Pete’s dad found them both and his lung burst.

Their cat found the family pile and it’s lungs burst.

The neighbour let themselves in and their lungs bursh.

Soon the house overflowed with burst lung bodies all over the place.

They packed out the village, then the town, then the country, then the world.

And this is why I sit inside writing poems.

They must be everywhere by now.

I like my lungs.

Breathing is good

66. On the way to work I saw

On the way to work I saw

A bunch of kids still up from the night before

Their eyes were wide

Faces white as ice

Synced by their swinging jaws

65. Perfect wife

Perfect is such a big word

I don’t feel I should give my definition

Maybe because I don’t know myself

Maybe because it’s always something different.

Wife however, is easily defined

Loved one for life no doubt to deter and

If I ever manage to find someone like that

She’s already perfect.

Until she… fucks my friends

Drags me through court

Takes half my money

Screams ‘the child isn’t yours!’

Shows me her malicious actions and thoughts

But…

Well at least for a while she was perfect

64. A lack of heart is a lack of soul

A lack of heart is a lack of soul

But more importantly a lack of blood

Where as a soul is said to help us after life

While here we need blood to be pumped

If the soul defines our individuality

Then maybe there is nothing greater

But while I’ve got a heart and blood

I’ll worry about that later

63. An artist is an astronaut

We drift through dead space

Exploring darkness for light

Writing all we find

62. How I lost my virginity

It had to be at my house because her dad hated me

Or any boy my age around his daughter I assume

For the record this was not me preying on a younger girl

She was the year above me in school.

At her house we were not allowed out of his sight

We mostly sat not touching in the front room

But one day she rebelled

And did that thing you never wanted her to.

Sorry sir, it’s no disrespect I know she’s your little girl

And you hated me like the idea of her being touched

I was just an underage boy with an older girlfriend

At the time I could have called it love

If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else

It could have been worse, I treated her right and with you I wasn’t smug

I mean I didn’t tell you when it happened

But you probably knew by the smile on my face when you picked her up

61. I don’t like the works Christmas meals

I appreciate the employment

But for Christmas meals you’re slacking

Yes the basic concept is there

But it’s so sloppy I need an extra napkin

It comes in a tub

And the knife and fork are plastic

Honestly,

I’d rather have a sandwich.

I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate

The festive effort you’ve put into this plate

And the variety of food you’ve really tried to do something great

But I’m pretty sure a turkey isn’t that colour and doesn’t come in that shape

60. Grandchildren

They won’t have seen the things you have seen

They will not experience the love you give them from anyone else

They will go from cute, to annoying, to caring.

They will worry about you like you once worried about them

They will see you at Christmas. Same as every year

59. These are the reasons I am ending our friendship

I’m real sorry but

You’re a bit of a bellend.

That’s pretty much it

58. Sylvia and the wishing well

Sylvia was a lonely fairy

She’d hang around at the wishing well knowing humans went there to throw money in

She didn’t want the money, she could barely lift a penny

She just wanted a friend.

Sylvia once had 6 sisters and 7 brothers but many of them died

It was around the time ‘Hook’ was released at the cinema, and the cocky kids kept saying they didn’t believe in fairies.

Sylvia went to the well every day but was scared to show herself

If seen and mentioned there was a bigger chance someone would say she didn’t exist.

So she watched from a distance

As children threw copper and silver into the well she once called home

Wishing for a bit of magic

57. Trapped at the wedding

Look at the happy couple

Now avoid eye contact with your girlfriend

If you do look into each other eyes you’ll see her saying

‘I can’t wait for that to be us’

And if she reads anything different in your eyes

Well you better have something good to say when you’re away from the happy crowd

56. An ode to a silk road

Sorry I ruined you

I walked up and down you all night smashing beer bottles and dropping cigarette butts

I even stopped once or twice to urinate on you

I’m sorry

But although a silk road is a fascinating original concept

It’s just not overly practical.

You should have used tarmac

Like any sensible constructer of roads would

55. Pedos in spedos

Not only do these words rhyme

But they go hand in hand

A man in spedos, is likely to be a pedo

A pedo, is likely to wear spedos

Your welcome

Look after yourself

Don’t trust that older guy at the pool  

54. Why are you eating your steering wheel

Why are you eating your steering wheel?

I’m sure it doesn’t taste too nice

Maybe if you’d worn a seatbelt

You could have had something you like

53. Ninjas do dance

Nina the ninja was one of the best at sword play

She could sneak through building in silence all day

She could blend into the night and never be spotted

But like all young ninja girls there was something else she wanted

Nina wished she could learn how to dance

So after throwing knife lessons every Friday she took a class

She had the best time of her life, she spun all around

But accidentally killed all the other students. She forgot to put her swords down

52. Return of the crack head

I call him cracky.

Not to his face, just when I’m telling stories about him.

I hadn’t seen him for a while but he reappeared last week.

Sat under that same underpass

Smoking his crack

Asking me for an odd figure of change

Usually 67, 78, or 97p

Today he asked me for 79p

I told him sorry

But I only had 75p

That’d just be a tease

I’m not that cruel.

Poor old cracky

51. Cameron and Clegg – A love story

It was something they saw in each other’s eyes that sparked the romance

That look that said ‘let’s fuck this country like one of our expensive tax payer cash paid hookers’

They decided to start fucking each other like one of their expensive tax payer cash paid hookers

Many may see this as good news

Many may see it as bad news

I’m just hoping our tax’s drop

50. Whoever Suggested I write 100 poems in a day needs a swift and brutal back kick to the armpits

What the fuck is this about then?

I find this task similar to climbing the north face of the Eiger

It’s tough

I think I might die

But once I’ve done it

I’ll be able to say ‘I’ve done it’

And that’ll be that.

Maybe the experience will be helpful

Maybe I’ll entertain some people

If you see my mind

Take it to the top of the Eiger

Set it on fire and throw it down

49. Labia

Can I play with ya

Labia?

I’d be greatful tu

Stay with ya

Maybe ya

Could take me tu

Your place and just

Lay with us.

Saying stuff

Blazing puff

Making huffs

Baby us…

Share that gracious love

Let’s experience the greatest of

Pleasures til we fade to dust

48. Sandwich making coke whore

‘Want but er on your roll?’

She asked furiously rubbing her nose with an un gloved hand

‘No thanks’

I replied, watching her dip the same hand into a tub of diced chicken cubes

‘What about salad?’

Rubbing her nose again and snorting like she was trying to make new nostrils

‘Just peppers please’

Same hand dug into a tub of peppers and scattered them onto my chicken and bogie roll

‘That’s £1.69 please babe’

She smiled, winked and flashed her tongue stud at me

‘Thanks’

I left £2 on the counter and left before she could give me my change.

On reflection, I probably shouldn’t have eaten that sandwich.

I can’t feel my gums

47. Four seasons ruined my view of the beach

In Winter, I see a building

In Autumn, I see a building

In Spring, I see a building

In Summer, I SEE THE SUN

No.

Sorry about that.

My mistake

It’s still a building

46. Ugliness runs deeper

Though skin deep beauty is the first thing I see

Once I spot the ugliness beneath nothing can take it away

We’re all beautiful and ugly too it seems

Any bright spark over time could turn weathered and grey

That’s the truth if you do or don’t believe I say what I mean

It’s true I’m not trying to sound honourable

Once I cut all your skin off from your head to your feet…

You’ll look horrible

45. Gods and monsters

Large fictional creatures set on havoc

Real commanders meaning well

Watching over us

Catching us at our weakest

Scaring us

Defining our lives.

Honour your gods

Do not fear your monsters

Fear your gods

Do not honour your monsters

44. Because I said so

Shut up. Just shut up.

Why don’t you shut up. Go on.

Just shut the hell up

43. All I want for Gristmas is Mark

All I want for Gristmas is Mark to start using one of his watches

I don’t mean wearing them

I mean reading them

Maybe he can’t read clocks

If that’s the case I feel bad.

However I’m sure he’s got a nice digital I could teach him to read

For me, Christmas isn’t December 25^th

Christmas is dead

But one day

Mark will use his watch and turns up at the agreed time

On that day, elves will start singing

Raindeers will cross the sky above my head

And I will be filled with such joy I melt

Like the kid’s snowman I took a blowtorch to because I’m so bitter about Mark never being on time.

What a glorious day that will be

42. The camper

The camper was camper than all the man that like man but

The camper the camper became the harder to answer the question

Why is this so camper so camp that the camp that he camps in is so camp

It’s pinker than the pink panther the campest of camps that

Anyone had ever seen

But the campest of camper had never been happier in his camp and

Long as he had his camp

He didn’t care for who was mean

41. Paper chase

Everywhere we go we chase those notes

We’ll break our bones to make our paper grow

Sometimes I feel I’m way too slow

To make my goals reality I’ve got a long way to go.

Imagine if money wasn’t an issue

And currency was nothing more than poor quality tissue

Some say the world would stop moving. I can’t believe that’s true

I think the pace would become relaxed, smooth and easier to handle

But until that day I’ll play the game and get amongst the paper chase

I expect money will stay in place for a long time after I fade away

40. This isn’t my pancake

This isn’t my pancake

But I’m still going to eat it

I don’t care that this is your pancake

I am still going to eat it

Which really makes it my pancake

If you want a pancake your best bet is to buy another and eat that one

You can scream about how this ‘isn’t my pancake’ all you like

If you really want to stop me eating it

Go get another pancake for me

And you can have this one back.

 

Hi. Thanks for returning with another pancake

Unfortunately you took too long

I’m am now hungrier than before and will need both pancakes to sustain me.

Thank you for my two pancakes.

Maybe you should get something for yourself.

Cauliflower maybe.

I won’t take that from you.

39. Here’s a rizla, go bun yourself

Take this bit of paper and wrap it round you like a blanket

As I don’t want to put my tongue anywhere near you, I’ll be pissing on the sticky strip

Telling you it’s an accident when I miss and hit you in the face.

I don’t even want to inhale you

The thought of you in my lungs makes me want to hack my penis off with an old door key

I’ll just set you on fire

And leave you in the ash tray

38. Who killed Mr Blobby

The sad fact is

We may never know the true answer to this question

With as many enemies as Mr Blobby had

Finding the murderer is near impossible.

I think you’ll all agree, the most likely suspect is Barney the Dinosaur.

Not only are they equally strange creatures of a similar size and colour, but

I heard Noel Edmunds tried it on with a girl Barney fancied.

That must have been the last straw.

Noel would have been the target

But no one wants to get that close to Noel Edmunds for any reason.

Blobby had to go.

I’ll spare you the gory details of the crime as I’m sure we’d rather remember blobby the way we see him in our minds

A big wobbly shit talking twat we’re sad we didn’t kill ourselves.

Unless you’re repellent as Noel Edmunds

Don’t fuck with Barney

Purple Dinosaurs are always pissed off.

I would be if I was a purple Dinosaur

37. Moon on a stick

I’d give you the mountains if only I could move them

I’d give you the sea if I could drain it

I’d give you the world if I could hold it on my shoulders

I’d give you the sky. If only I could contain it

How about you just enjoy them where they are

That beautiful picturesque view

I’d give you the moon on a stick

If only I had a stick that could reach the moon

36. Chicken on a boat

He wasn’t going out like that

Too many he knew had their neck snapped

Their head cut off, feathers plucked

Feet hacked and detached.

So he planned his escape

Before the morning came

And the others were awake

He started his attempt to scale the gate.

When he managed to get free

He headed east to the sea

Stayed there watching the sailors

Tie their vessels to the piers beams.

And when all was clear on the coast

He hoped on to a boat

And sailed off into the distance

Lucky chicken. He could have been a roast

35. 1% battery

If I turn you off, you won’t come back on

You won’t even manage the simplest task

If I press a button to check the time

You’ll instantly go flat.

I got calls to make, texts to send

Addresses to find

Things to look up, alarms to set

Emails to reply

Remember how it was

Before we all used phones

And used them for everything

Remember how we coped?

We got on fine without that little electric box

So why now without them are we lost

34. She said she can’t misbehave with everyone

She said she can’t misbehave with everyone

He said he was not every, just one

She decided it was ok this time

They both felt nothing was wrong

So they misbehaved in a dingy place

Time flew by and before too long

They had to go their separate ways

Which was sad. But at least they had fun

33. Pisswaddle

Nige had a bad day.

Pissed his pants, cried like a child

And waddled home wet

32. For fuck sake Nigel, not now

‘FOR FUCK SAKE NIGEL!’

He put his penis away

Pissed himself. Then cried

31. Move over Movember

I’ve had enough of this bushy bastard beard

Telling anyone who looks my way what I had for lunch

The way it constantly itches my skin

And feels like a overused brush

I try not to get aggressive towards it

But I can’t take it I’ve had enough

You wait you scraggly messy twat

Soon enough you’re gonna get cut

30. Trolly man

He’s not a guy that could tolerate dealing with the general public

And even though he’s known by the kids of the area, they still throw trollys into the lake.

Maybe they do this out of respect, for without them, he wouldn’t have a job.

Each morning he walks round the lake with a grappling hook attached to a long thin rope

Fishing for trollys

Standing on the water’s edge casting that hook out to where wheels break the surface and the steel grill lay just out of air’s reach.

After gathering as many as he can

He walks them back to the supermarket and parks them outside.

There they stay

Waiting for their next trip to the lake

29. This is my truth

I’m just some guy.

Whatever you think I am or think I’m not

I am what you think I am and I’m not what you think I’m not

You were never expected to know everything.

I on the other hand, was.

But I don’t.

I could tell you what I think and like to think I am

But who am I to make those statements.

If you really wanted to know

You’d find out for yourself.

I am an angel, a demon and everything in between

What do you want me to be?

Tell me.

And I’ll do the opposite

28. Ode to a particularly crumbly biscuit

I enjoy your texture and taste

But if you can’t last 2 seconds in a cup of coffee without falling apart…

I can’t love you like I’d like too.

As you hide in the bottom of my mug

Only for me to finish my drink then find you.

If I could find a spoon maybe it’d be ok.

But even if that’s the way it is

For a biscuit, regardless of how tastey

You’re still pretty high maintenance

27. The fly on the wall

He can watch

But if he starts buzzing around my head when I’m trying to sleep we’re gonna have a problem

You do you, I’ll do me

You mind your business then I’ll mind mine and won’t consider swatting

If you fly to the window

I’ll open it and let you out but if to stay inside is something you’re wanting

 He better not play up…

Or I’m not sleeping till I squash him

26. Pop singer makes video

It caused an uproar

People just couldn’t believe the inappropriate nature of this video

Lot’s of plastic women in skimpy clothes

Legs akimbo fingers at the tips of their toes they stripped and posed

But the controversy did it favours

Not only did the artist have lifted profits

But with all the talk of the video

No one mentioned how shit the song is

25. Why can’t we decorate the flat for Christmas yet

IT’S NOVEMBER!!

NOVEMBER!!!

IT’S FUCKING NOVEMBER!!!

As if it isn’t bad enough that every shop is blaring out Cliff Richard

And every window is draped in fairy lights

You want me to come home when it’s not even the same month as Christmas

And deal with that shit at home? You think that tree’s happy? No, it likes being outside.

When December comes, have your fun, string the cards up

Hang sparkly dangling crap from the ceiling. I will be there for you on Christmas day

But it’s November

NOVEMBER!!! IT’S FUCKING NOVEMBER!!!

Keep those decorations away

24. Draw a penis on your ballot paper

Every time we vote for a new ‘leader’

I analyze that slip

I often find myself troubled

At which choice to pick

I’m starting to think I have a gift

I somehow always manage to predict who will win.

Draw a penis on your ballot paper

Cos we’ll always get a prick

23. A man's work is never done

I will rest when I’m tired

I will take time out when I’m stressed

But I will never feel it’s ok.

There’s always something I could be working on

I need to turn off the world to find time to play

I need to find a good woman who understands my madness

And attempts to tolerate my ways

But I’d wanna be her rest and her time out

So I guess it couldn’t work if we’re too much of the same

22. something to do with the sea

Is it something to do with the sea

That makes us wave when people leave

As they roll out like the tide

We stand still like the land and trees

Or is it we

That have something to do with the sea

To Say goodbye

That polite tide waves as it retreats

21. As the cat watched on

As they argued and they fought and they kissed and they hugged

As they yelled and they screamed and they cried and they fucked

As they scowled and they whimpered as their love turned to dust

The cat watched on

20. Unicorn Chaser

A unicorn chaser is said to be, not a person. But an act

After taking part in a not so enjoyable experience

A unicorn chaser is the way to treat yourself

Do something you enjoy. Make yourself smile

You deserve it.

After all

The only thing better than chasing a unicorn

Is having one approach you

19. Don't talk when I'm watching the Simpsons

There is no order and combination of words you can use

That will make me excuse how rude I’ll feel you are

If you ever. Dare. Talking.

When I’m watching the Simpsons.

If it’s past the couch scene in a homer heavy episode of my favourite yellow people,

There is nothing you have to say that I care about.

I don’t care if the house is on fire, or there’s bears at the door

If you’ve broken your leg or glued your hair to the floor

If you’re scared and preparing for another world war

You can shut your mouth, don’t fucking talk

When I’m watching the Simpsons

18. Coat hanger for the soul

We need a rest every now and then

Just to hang up our soul for a short while and enjoy the empty shells we are

Mine dangles from a melted pencil or a shaved candle most nights

Airing ready for it’s next outing.

Sometimes I casually throw it over the back of a chair or dash it on the floor.

Sometimes I let it stay there for days.

I’ve even left it in hotel rooms and tents.

It’s behind me now

Blocking the dust from my microphone

Swaying slightly

Waving at me every time I walk past it